Linda Ashear
Westchester Mini-School

I am a writer, specifically, a poet, so the irony of not writing
anything about my two years at Melton and how they changed my life
doesn't escape me. But recently I took the time to think about why I
felt I had nothing to write. Here goes.


Despite the fact that I found the classes "meaty" and enlightening,
despite the fact that I liked them a great deal and signed up for a
third year, I didn't think Melton had changed me or my life. I had
entered my first class as an Agnostic, quickly assuming the role of
skeptic and challenger. At the end of two years, I still hadn't found
what I didn't even know I was looking for: God. I could never embrace a
bearded, vengeful God, and saw little evidence to support the belief
that there was a God who cared about people and their suffering. What I
found was the same God I had rejected for most of my life. The one who
couldn't seem to get enough praise, the one who remained silent
throughout history, while injustice and tragedy thrived. My eyes, ears
and intellect prevented me from accepting the existence of a God who
answered prayers.

I signed up at Melton because some friends signed up and asked if I'd
be interested. I thought it might be enriching, but I had a secret
agenda; I hoped to find a God I could believe in. Two years later, I
still hadn't found one. Reason told me that without a belief in a
higher being, I could not honestly call myself a full Jew, and if I'm
not a full Jew, how could Melton change me?

Well, I decided that might be fallacious reasoning and gave myself
permission to change, which freed me up to see if Melton affected my
life.

First, a bit of history. In 1971, prodded by my then husband who had
had one too many cars stolen, and had seen a burglar tip-toe across our
bedroom at dawn, decided that we had to take our four children and move
from our Brooklyn home. I was born and raised there; my family and
friends, my entire life, were there. I cried bitterly when we left. We
had not been a Sabbath observant family, but we did keep kosher, go to
Shul on holidays and walk to my in-laws every Friday night for a big
dinner. We were part of a large, insular Syrian Jewish community, but I
had a non-conformist mother of European descent. Like most of my women
friends, I didn't spend a lot of time searching for God or learning
about Judaism. Since the core of my community was Orthodox, and men and
women's roles were distinctly laid out, that was pretty much left to
the men.

Even after we moved, being a good wife and mother and the best possible
hostess and homemaker occupied most of my time. I did take a few
continuing education classes. The strongest influence on me, outside of
my husband, was my mother, a lifelong searcher for Spiritual knowledge
and fulfillment, who had strong beliefs in everything from ESP to
Kaballah and everything in between. A charasmatic woman, she attracted
young and old people of different faiths to gatherings to learn about
what she called The Teaching. She eventually extended her weekly at
home meetings by also holding online classes. In stark contrast, my
father was silent about God and religion.

Throughout my life I picked up bits and pieces of knowledge about
ritual and Jewish history. I sent my children to Hebrew school, made a
Bar and Bat Mitzvah. For awhile, I lit Shabbat candles and bought
special cookies for Friday night. I felt most comfortable among Jewish
people and started a youth group at my Temple for my children,
directing them and other teens in a production of Fiddler on the Roof.
My husband, who came from a traditional Orthodox family, rejected most
of the trappings of that life. For the most part, God had little place
in my home and I had little place in His. I considered myself a
cultural Jew, and was deeply saddened when two of my children married
non-Jews.

I divorced in 1982, after 22 years of marriage.

So how has Melton changed me and/or my life? It has given me a Jewish
community again, only this time, it's a mature, questioning community
where men and women are equally free to question, search, and learn
about their past and present. I have teachers now, rabbis I respect and
admire for their wisdom, passion and great mine of knowledge. Even
though I have yet to find a God I can believe in, I am a fuller Jew,
eager to find more in Judaism to love. I want to be more involved in
Temple life. Not a bad beginning for an Agnostic.

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